First of all I am going to tell that I am losing faith in God for the problems my family is facing. My parents worship Shirdi Sai Baba. They faced lot of struggles in their career and still facing. They believe that God will change our fate for sure. I studied very well up to 10th class. Every one praised my parents for the way they grew me with such discipline. They were proud about their parenting. They didn't bother about financial crisis. They pinned all hopes on me. I have a sister too. She is brilliant. So my parents thought that their problems will vanish if we attain good jobs. But don't know what happened to me. I discontinued in my inter 1st year as I was unable to bear the pressure. My parents wept in tears for my behaviour. Then every relative blamed my parents and made fun of me. I got treatment for severe depression. Lakhs of money was poured for my treatment. After 8 months I joined in diploma course. I thought this opportunity as Sai blessings. I started praying very sincerely. I was very happy during those three years. Scored good percentage. I wrote engineering entrance and got seat in a college. Due to all these good things my faith in God increased. I was flying high as my parents hopes were coming true.
I went to college. Within few days I came to know that I was not fit for the college. It was very difficult to understand classes. I said same thing to my friends. Some of them told me to take it easy. Prepare only before exams. I too thought that what they said was correct. But I feared. I became coward to face faculty. I started bunking college with fear. Don't know what happened to me. I gradually got into the pressure as same like in inter. I prayed Baba to give me courage and wisdom. Every night I prayed that I should go to college without fear. But I couldn't. I stuck to my room only. As a result I was detained. My father pleaded college authorities not to detain me. They denied it. The college students were so rash. May be that was the reason I feared. Faculty also did not punish them. They were allowed for exams even without 20% attendance. I thought that faculty might understand my situation and help me. But they detained me. My parents cried for many days. I too, for my stupid mind.
After some days my parents stopped bothering about my studies and supported me. They always say do what you like and who knows how the destiny was planned. They didn't blame me. I started preparing for jobs. I convinced my mind that everything will be fine in future. But one day I suddenly got negative feelings on God. I scolded every God. I tore the photos of every God. For the first time my parents scolded me. They shouted at me that we should maintain patience. They told me how they were leading life with all pressures and but never blamed God. I calmed down myself. After one week I again started believing that God will help us. I started Sai parayan for first time. After that I did parayan many times. Again one day due to some problems to our family I scolded Gods. Again all phenomena repeated. After some days I again believed in God. But recently my madness went to peaks that I kicked all God photos and even Baba’s idol. I shouted to my parents that don't believe in these stupids. These Gods will only help the riches and protect only criminals. I made this ruckus only after coming to know that people who committed crimes (my relatives and some of my family friends who cheated us) are living happily. They are living their lives as per their wishes. They were getting everything. On the other side my parents struggling hard to meet the basic needs. I know that I am not doing anything for my family. My behaviour always hurts my parents. Why do my parents only have all these struggles? They pinned hopes on me. But I turned like psycho. See all, that my intention is my parents should be happy. Why should they suffer with me? Can't any God control my mind. If they were gifted with some other guy they would be definitely be happy by this time. I am feeling guilty for my behaviour. Many times I thought to commit suicide so that my parents will be freed from my torture. But if I do so I knew that my relatives would blame my parents. I am a looser. I am failure. I beat my parents in anger. And closed my room door and wept for my behaviour. I am not able control my anger. Until diploma I was very humble person. Why did I turn like this? What happened to me. I knew I will be punished in future for my sins (beating parents, kicked Gods photos). But all I want right now is my parents should be happy. I am short tempered psycho. All my relatives who committed many sins are living happily and their children settled in good position. My innocent parents suffering with me. Still they are hoping good and have kept their belief in God. Please God do good to my parents and my sister. Punish me.
© Shirdi Sai Baba Prayers