Omniscient You, know all thoughts of mine. What is inwardly flowing? Yes, ignorant me, do not know Your path and plans. Place all my hopes in You and then devil tempts me. My mind becomes restless and go with unbearable pain and keep on writing to You. You knew, I was 36, when I was sent the marriage proposal (September, 2012 just after 2 months of my only sibling's demise) and all the emotional communications made in this regard. I started respecting that Ramesh Arvind (alias Karthikeyan Rajamani Amirthavalli) I thought it was God's choicest blessing and You are blessing me with the gift of marriage. You knew very well, that he would never come to meet me to fix the marriage date nor marry me. Because already he had a relationship (since I found that woman's handwriting in petty cash book from Jan, 2013. If they got married on 12 June, 2013, what the woman was doing in his Chennai Apartment before their marriage if they didn't know each other? His parents are alive (though he said, they passed away) who would never accept a non-Tamil girl as their daughter-in-law. All he was doing in Tokyo was making false promises and telling lies to make time pass. I admit my mistakes that I believed in him. Still I feel, if You were my father, knowing about my helplessness and all the promises that Karthikeyan made, You would have not allowed Karthikeyan to marry that Viji Subramanian at Amman temple! You could have stopped Lord! I am not questioning Lord! I am wondering. There itself the marriage would have stopped! Not only that, the woman could have known everything when she was connected through call to me by Karthikeyan in February, 2015. I thought You were blessing me that the woman would get to know the truth from me. But before I could ask her few things, Karthikeyan disconnected the call, managed her nicely and she conceived. No woman can be silent after talking to other woman! She would obviously inquire and call the other woman to know the truth and knowing about everything, all the cruelties, however stony- hearted one can be, understands the pain of other woman. No woman could stay lovingly after talking to the other woman! But Viji Subramanian ( Now Mrs. Viji Karthikeyan ) is not only staying, enjoying all the good fruits of married life, from marriage to motherhood !
Making Karthikeyan's child bear in her womb and bringing the baby into world, aren’t all Your Blessings Lord ? How come he gets all the blessings cheating a fatherless and brother less Lord? If all children are equal to You, as You do not discriminate between a rich and a pauper, how come this discrimination happen? Lord when one is enjoying all the good fruits of married life, getting love and affection of husband, conceiving, then sharing all the intimate moments of pregnancy with husband and getting care of husband and then bearing child and getting the world's greatest gift from husband, 'motherhood'.
Did you not know how Arvind aka Karthikeyan used to tell me all these when he was in Tokyo and how I was made dreaming of our own family and how someone else got all the good fruits of married life ! If children are same, then how come this injustice happens to the fatherless, brother less and helpless child of Yours? You know all my difficulties Lord. How he is parenting and nurturing their child with so much love and affection and enjoying their parenthood, cheating a fatherless and brother less! Am I so bad before You O Lord ! Those who cheat others do all the wrongdoings, they are only happy in this world. They have only gathered fame, money and all and are enjoying a pleasant and happy life! Only darkness and depression loom large in my life. Am I too bad Lord that I don't have a good fortune to have a family of my own as I was promised! Someone cheated on me, that is why, someone else is enjoying all the blessings, good and first fruits of married life! Is there anything too hard for You, Lord that You can't control the wrongdoings? Could You not control the cheating, (knowing that he would never marry me, all he was doing, was just a time pass) the marriage, and the birth of the baby boy! If You wished Lord, You could have. All is Your will.
I am not complaining Father, I am sharing my deep pain with You just as a child shares with his/her parent. My father and brother are no more in this world. You are my father, mother and everything. I do not have any words. Sometimes I keep quiet. Sometimes can't. Tears just come down profusely from my eyes. I do not know what to ask, what to do? I visit You, when I see pregnant women entering affectionately with their husbands, at once I could visualize how lovingly that woman was also roaming with that Karthikeyan during her pregnancy and getting all the love, care and affection! I found all those little love and care ( Garbharaksha Asanam CD's and books) in Karthikeyan's apartment , the way a husband loves and takes care of his wife during pregnancy. I see the loving couple offering garlands to You, keeping their little ones at Your feet. You knew my desire and wish of having a child and at the same time my worries that I have hypothyroidism. When he told of having a baby when he was in Tokyo, I just surrendered all the wishes to Your Feet and prayed wholeheartedly to have Your grace to have a child. You knew all these Lord.
A woman needs her husband Lord. Her husband is her greatest blessing. With the marriage, she is socially recognizable as her husband's wife. She raises a family, her children, takes care of her husband and children. That is her job, and for that only she has been specially created by You. And how nicely Karthikeyan married that woman, made love and got all Your Blessings to have a boy child ! Still Karthikeyan says lies that he doesn't enjoy with that woman! If he doesn't enjoy, then how had the baby come into that woman's womb lovingly! You know Lord how a baby comes into a woman's womb?
I have been writing to You Lord steadfastly . In August, 2016 Karthikeyan called me up and cried that God gave him punishment. I got to know from other prayer site that he met with an accident at Kuala Lumpur. Again he called me up on 13/02/2017 and was telling of erasing bad things from my life. You tell me Lord, being socially with other woman and making her experience all the good fruits of marital bliss, how he would erase the bad things from my life? Just providing some financial help! Have I ever run after his money? Did You not see how I behaved when my mother was admitted into hospital with angina pain? Have I ever called him for any financial help? It was You Who helped me to undergo the surgery by Your Grace . Who is he to take pity on me? Only You take pity if You wish. How unfairly he thinks Lord that he will be enjoying his family with that woman and his children socially (Obviously, the next child will be on the way) and I have to accept him with that woman and his children! Am I not a woman Lord? What for my womanhood is Lord, if I don't have a family of my own, my husband, our child! Doesn't my heart crave for a sound good married life, my husband, our child and our family? Only Karthikeyan's heart wishes.
Doesn't he know what marriage means to a woman? And that woman is still carrying and enjoying her social status as 'Mrs. Viji Karthikeyan ' being his wife and mother of his child , whereas I am not. He didn't bother to leave a helpless woman whose brother died just two months back when he sent the marriage proposal and father died long back when she was in her seventh standard. But he bothers to leave that woman! Did I do anything wrong to him Lord , that I would be treated like this just because no one is above my head and I am financially downtrodden at the moment and that woman has all, from parents to riches !
I see the smiling and happy faces of the married and pregnant women all around. Tears can't be controlled. They just keep falling from eyes. I really do not find any words Father. It just leaves me in pool of tears.
Is there no justice for a fatherless, brother less and helpless child of Yours in Your kingdom, Lord? No Justice!
© Shirdi Sai Baba Prayers