I met my old friend's ex-boyfriend on online a few months ago. We started talking and tried to get to know each other. He asked me a few personal questions, and I being quite open shared it with him. I still wanted to be just good friends with him. He wanted to go out one night and so I agreed. He said he didn't want a relationship but just be friends. That night we ended up becoming intimate and close. We met many times after that and every time it would end up being intimate and then he would want me to leave. He promised me he wouldn’t see or talk to other girls. Although he would call me and speak to me which made me feel he was my lover. He had previously been in many breakups and was really hurt. He even cut himself from his previous relationship. He would always call me for support when he was depressed and I made sure to be there. He would even say he was scared that I would leave him and from then I promised that I would never leave him. I ended up falling in love with him.
He works and I don't but he would always make me pay for a room or for drinks. He constantly makes negative comments about me and my looks like "Eww you are ugly or dark". I would even travel far just to be with him. He made me feel loved after so many hurtful experiences in my past. I even wanted to be honest and told him about personal things about my past so that he didn't end up thinking I was hiding things. Although he once introduced me to his friend and told him how intimate me and my guy were. That friend ended up telling everyone but my guy ended up blaming it on me due to my past. He even got mad at me for believing the person who told me what my guy had told people. Suddenly he stopped calling me daily. But was online on social media and would talk to people. I would call him million times but he would ignore but would answer if he wanted intimacy. When I asked him why he would say he was busy. I saw he had other girls on one of his social media. He would even send his intimate pictures to other people. He started to avoid me even more and when I asked he would say he was just busy. I finally ended up expressing my feelings to him with our friend there. He got angry with me and said really hurtful things. He said he told me since day 1 that he didn't want a relationship, I was not of his type, he didn't want a girl who did stuff in her past, and that he was getting engaged to a girl in Sri Lanka. I was so hurt.
I really thought he was faithful with me and he was mine. I begged him to give me a chance and that I would change myself for him but he rudely said no. He threatened to block me. I was trying to talk to him nicely no matter how he spoke to me. I tried explaining that I didn't love him since day 1 but as time went on I fell in love and that I’m human. He said I was not human. I ended up cutting myself and he ended up blocking me. He didn't even bother asking if I was okay. But I was there when he cut himself few months back. I called him many times today but I’m blocked. Even the night he blocked me, he was online talking to someone until 1:00am. I'm even crying while writing this. I fasted so many things for him like pradosham, chathurthi, went to church, did the 5 day Sai vratha, sacrificed my favourite sugar foods to Sai. He would make fun of me when I prayed a lot but that didn't stop me.
I really want to prove it to him that prayers are true. I have been crying every day to Sai to bless me to allow my guy to understand how much I love him and agree to marry me. I don't want him to get engaged to another girl. I'm so tired to getting hurt for guys all the time. I felt this guy was the one, I really love him. Swami is it fair for him to generalize me with other Canadian girls just because his past relationships hurt him? Is it right for him to say he doesn’t want a girl who has been with other guys when I trusted him and followed him like a dog? I am not attractive like other girls he likes but don't I have a heart to love? Swami I know I have done so many bad things in my life and I have faced a lot of consequences because of it. Is it not enough? I have been in so much hurt in the last year. Meeting my guy brought back my happiness but now he is also gone. Every time I end up being happy about something Swami, it doesn't stay with me for long. I'm really hurt. I really want him to understand me and take me as his life partner. No matter how much I am hurt I haven't stopped praying to Swami. I have read so many blogs where it was written that Swami may have another good thing planned for me ahead. But I’ve been in many instances where I trusted many guys and ended up being really hurt, over the past year. I prayed really hard on my last breakup which I believed this guy was a blessing after what I had been through.
I’ve been in so many instances since childhood where people just rejected me. I then decided that I only want a relationship who will never leave me. But that never happened, they just want temporary things. I really trusted that this guy wouldn't be like that. This is really affecting my health and my emotional state. There is a chapter in Baba's book that is about a man who was going through a health condition and prayed to Baba that he couldn't stand the pain and to spread his karma to a few births. Although Swami being the compassionate relieved him immediately. I know it’s really selfish to ask that to swami but I’m really hurt. I'm not functional at this point. I don't want Baba to reject or ignore me just like how everyone does. I’m not able to tell my family about my situation as they will simply say I am young. Although I really need someone in my life to be there for me. Gawtham is the only one that can fulfil my needs. I'm so tired of hearing hurtful things like I’m mental, I’m weird, I’m ugly, I’m dark, eww, push me away etc. Please Swami, the one who fulfils everyone’s wish, the compassionate one, the one who is there for everyone at hard times. Please bless me. I really don't know what to do? I have faith in You. Please pray for me.
© Shirdi Sai Baba Prayers